and yes, this is verbatim.  so please be kind. 

————————————————–

hey rachel,

it was nice meeting you last night! and def. nice job on the tuneskies, much appreciated (i’ve been to way too many poorly dj’ed dance parties).

i was curious about something i didn’t get a chance to ask last night…is the womens roller derby team still recruiting? and if so, how queer/trans* friendly is it? i’m actually asking for myself…not that it’s very obvious to most people, but i’m actually transfeminine (albeit a rather butchy tranny) and am on hormones (2 months now) etc etc. i’d love to join up if i’d be welcomed…i’ve actually wanted to play for a long time.

a friend of mine (leo, he’s a trans-guy and is on the guys team) was gonna chat with one of his friends on the womens team to ask what their thoughts were about my “situation”, but he’s uber swamped with work stuff right now, so i don’t think has gotten around to it.

anywho, yeah, let me know what you think. i’d be happy to chat with folks on the team to figure out if i would fit in and how to work it out. and i’d be happy to provide any sort of documentation if necessary.

hopefully see you saturday!

xx
–joe

————————————————–

ok. i lied. i did not send that as an e-mail to gunder.

no, it was a facebook pm.  it just sounds waaaaay better if i say it was an e-mail.

anywho.

as you can tell from the e-mail, we had just met the night before, when she was dj’ing a dance party.  the group i was hanging out with ended up closing the party down [not that hard in ithaca, last call's at 1...] and gunder joined us on a trek to the state st. diner afterwards.

it was mid-march, ILWR had just starting their travel season [gunder was a co-captain for the SufferJets that year] and was about to begin wreck derby, and so gunder was in full-on street-teaming/promotion mode.  inevitably, roller derby came up in conversation.  but despite the fact that i had already been trying to figure out if i could skate with ILWR, i didn’t seize the opportunity.  whompwhomp.

i’m not exactly the most comfortable at putting myself out there in general [hence why i have zero game... it's so bad] and especially about my gender.  and up to that point in my life, i had never needed to explain my gender to anyone like how i knew i was going to need to in order to merely ask if i could skate.

“hi, i’m joe. can i join your women’s athletic league?” was not something i was comfortable with saying yet.  because i knew then what i know now: when i assert my gender, the vast majority of people are likely going to question it.  it’s just a consequence of who i am and how i act: most people don’t “get” my gender, and so there ends up being “a conversation” about it.

i despise “conversations”.

and at that point, i had absolutely no idea what to do with this particular likely “conversation”.  no one ever gave me instructions on how to explain to someone why, as an open and proud trans*woman, i’m not a visible [to them] trans*woman.  or having to convince someone that yes, in fact, i actually am trans*.  [as if that were a thing i would lie about.  such weird logic goes through our heads!]

and at the diner, i wasn’t really prepared or in the mood for that “conversation”, and i balked.  i missed a golden opportunity.

but thankfully, all was not lost.  because the next day was perhaps the most glorious day ever.

i was in the lab eating lunch with lindsay, our lab manager and a good friend of mine [but never anything more...ew, gross], when i mentioned hanging out with gunder the night before and about my thinking about skating but not bringing it up with her.  little did i know that lindsay [now shaft'er party] had also wanted to skate for a while, and was just looking for someone to do it with.

in the year since, shaft has been an amazingly supportive and awesome person to skate with [and in general], but that day she did something incredible.  somehow she convinced me to get in touch with gunder and straight-up ask.  just be upfront about who i am and see what the league says.  there is a powerful beauty in simplicity.

in an effort to minimize my [still present] anxieties about the whole situation, i decided e-mail would be best avenue.  and so i wrote that gloriously awkward e-mail.  [i mean "tuneskies"?  really?  come on, simonis.]

to say that i was extremely nervous the entire time i was writing it or that i was debilitatingly anxious when i pushed “send” would be gross understatements.

but it happened.

and some pretty awesome stuff has ensued.

end of the world scrimmage at yer mom’s house. ILWR & co.

i recently hit my “one year on eei” [exogenous endocrine intervention] anniversary, or my stabiversary [thanks angela!], as it came to be called.  for me, it was more of a cause for pause and reflection than one for celebration.  a lot has happened in my life [in general] over the past 12 months, and it was a good opportunity to take stock of that recent history.

and the longer i thought about how the year transpired, the more i realized that a lot of the major events and developments in my life over the past 12 months either occurred in or was reflected in roller derby [wait, what, you didn't know i skate? bullroar.]:

i put myself out there as a trans* person and a woman [to people i didn’t know] for the first time to join derby, i finally learned patience [with myself and with others] in derby, i found female role models [as athletes and as people] in derby, i grew into my developing body [for the second time] in derby, i was accepted and respected as a woman [athlete] in derby, but still have to convince everyone i meet that i’m a woman [athlete] in derby, and now i’m starting over in a new city with derby.

and in thinking about all of the hilarious stories and important lessons learned, i started to draw some narrative threads together and contemplated writing about it.  i started drafting a few stories, but every time i would sit down to write, i’d get pulled in too many directions, which to me suggests there’s too much to cram together into one piece of writing.  i think each component story here has a feel and a lesson of its own, and should be given its own space.

so, rather than write one giant thing, i’ve decided to start a running series, called “derby as a microcosm of my life during second puberty” [a title which i believe reflects my dorkiness level appropriately].  it’s not the only thing i’m going to write about/post on m’blog, but it’s going to be a regular topic.  i have a queue going already.  get your bedpans ready, this is gonna be fun.

2012 WAS A RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME YEAR FOR MUSIC

and so this post should have put itself together. but it didn’t, so i slapped it together rightquick.

without further adieu or apology, i present, in no particular order, my favorite 25 albums of 2012

• emily wells: mama | i think passenger was my favorite song to lose myself in this year. also, i love that we think along similar set-up lines…although she has a way better voice than i do, ferserious
• godspeed you! black emperor: ‘allelujah! don’t bend! ascend! | hands down, my favorite piece of art made this year. and favorite music to write my dissertation to. soooooo glad they decided to record another album. wow.
• yellow ostrich: strange land | i’m really impressed with how this album came together. very well arranged and creative in interesting ways.
• fiona apple: the idler wheel… | favorite album to sing along to. hands down. and most impressive live show i’ve seen in a long time. the musicianship required to play this album in 100 degree/98% humidity weather is very, very high. and they pulled it off beautifully.
• dirty three: toward the low sun | this band continues to create vexing, beautiful music. i think this could be their best album in a long time.  it sits together very well.
• lower dens: nootropics | i think, in the end, my favorite album of the year, this thing constantly challenged me as a listener. i think this is an album that will inspire musicians for a few generations at least.  and jana hunter is unbelievable.
• now, now: threads | favorite narrative album arc of the year…i really like the story that runs through the songs on this album. oh and the songs are awesome, too.  very well put together sophomore release.
• alt-j: an awesome wave | i still haven’t decided what i think about this album, but i like what they’re going for.  and the low end on fitzpleasure gets me every time.
• mynabirds: generals | best bootheelstompin’ album.
• animal collective: centipede hz | i like what happens when animal collective makes musics.  especially when they’re dance-y, ohboy.
• exit music: passage | my favorite production…the frequent changes in sound density are done so deftly it awes me every time.  and her voice!!  also, definitely my favorite album by a band i hadn’t yet heard of.
• frank ocean: channel ORANGE | favorite album i picked up at the end of the year…thanks for the recommendations, everyone!
• dark dark dark: who needs who | favorite song of the year: the great mistake. it wander/builds beautifully and ends in fanfare, with a whole lot of pretty in the middle
• dirty projectors: swing lo magellan | they struck a pretty solid balance with this album…i think it might be more accessible and more creative than bitte orca, which is saying something, because i really like that album.  but it seems like some restraint does longstreth and co. really well.
• sharon van etten: tramp | i love what she does with a band. just enough variability to keep her honest.
• deerhoof: breakup song | start to finish, a classically deerhoof album–aggressive and dynamic in its sloppy-tight glory–yet it’s sooo far from stale.
• mariee sioux: gift for the end | if you don’t know her, you should. seriously, she’s fantastic. and so is this album.
• django django: django django | the beta band reincarnated? don’t care. love it. LOVE IT.
• mumford and sons: babel | oddly(?), my favorite album to work out to.  too much banjobassdrum to stand still!
• grizzly bear: shields | while i sometimes worry that they’re retreading a bit, this album is really friggen good.
• regina spektor: what we saw from the cheap seats | i’ve had mixed feeling about her in the past (not exactly sure why), but am super glad i gave this album a chance.  she’s really, really good.
• theesatisfaction: awe naturale | in the words of a friend…”this is the hip hop i’ve been waiting for” top to bottom, phenomenal. i just wish it were longer!
• patrick watson: adventures in your own backyard | favorite album to listen to while staring quietly out a car window on a long drive
• santigold: master of my make-believe | favorite album for gettin ready to go out. you should see me dance to disparate youth.
• carolina chocolate drops: leaving eden | favorite acoustic album, certainly.

as i said, 2012 was a stellar year for really good music.  i was surprised and challenged and pleased by new and old bands alike, and never felt short of good new music to listen to.  here’s hoping 2013 is just as awesome!

i’m currently in the throws of finishing my phd and have cleared the single biggest hurdle: my defense.  at this point, it’s therefore generally assumed that i’ve earned my degree and with it, the right to be called “doctor”.

for many reasons, this is a big deal.

for a long while, i had been looking forward to the day where i could sign things “dr. simonis”.  finally i would have access to a gender neutral honorific that is socially known/appreciated*, one that others would have no problem adopting.  after finishing my degree, i would be able to use “dr.” and not have to declare my gender as one of two options.  i was pretty sure it would be glorious.

but then, a few months back, i thought about how it would actually play out.  and i started to think about the arithmetic of gendering people.  [yeah, i think about the world in mathy ways...]

and what i realized is that, in the english language, gender-neutral honorifics are basically identity elements: they don’t change the gender of the name:

dr. erin is erin is a woman and dr. mark is mark is a man.

the degree to which the name is gendered is not altered by a gender-neutral honorific [perhaps by definition?**].  if the person has a gender-neutral-ish name, such as morgan, they remain as ambiguous-ish gender-wise as they were before the addition of “dr.”.

and that means if i go by “dr. joseph l. simonis”, my gender will revert to that of my name: joseph. which is clearly male.  even though, ya know, i’m a lady.  and i’ll pretty much lose whatever awesome, non-male gendering that has come with my being “ms. joseph l. simonis”.

although, in all honesty, i actually wonder how much of an impact the “ms.” has had on people gendering me.  i’d like to think a lot, but it’s probably not that much.  i mean, my name is still joseph, and i imagine when most people see “ms. joseph” they assume it’s a typo: ms. and joseph do not go together in most folks’ heads.  given that it only takes one missed keystroke to turn mr. to ms. [vs. at least 3 to change my name to a more "female-typical" variant], i imagine that most folks, upon seeing “ms. joseph” assume typo/mistake on the honorific, and therefore figure that i’m a dude***.

which makes me think that gendering people, at least based on their names, is kind of an additive function, but one where the weight of the name may be very important.  my name is really pretty masculine to most people, and so adding a female honorific to it doesn’t overcome that impetus, and most people ignore it or assume it’s a mistake.

in math terms:

dr. + joseph = joseph = male

ms. + joseph = …joseph = male

i mean, shit, even if i did adopt mx. as an honorific, it would basically be the same:

mx. + joseph = …mx.?…joseph = joseph = male

the only honorific i could add to my name to actually make it switch genders is mrs.:

mrs. + joseph = wife of joseph = female.

but i’m not married to joseph, i am joseph, so that’s not gonna help.

and so maybe it doesn’t really matter what the flonk i do with my honorifics, people are just going to resort to my name in most situations to gender me until they know better.  in many situations, they won’t even see the honorific anyway, so maybe i’m just making this out to be more than it’s worth.

after thinking about this for a few weeks, i was getting pretty frustrated and confused/conflicted about what to do, when something magical happened:  a few german/germany-living friends of mine started calling me “frau dr.”.

wait, what?

right! ’cause in german, you don’t replace honorifics, you add them. this, this i like.  yes, i know that we don’t add honorifics in english [or do we, reverend doctor?].  but that’s only because people haven’t really done it that much before.  but i’m not the only one who thinks we english speakers should start adding honorifics in english.

i am fully aware that most “drop-down” or “box-checking” english menus/forms only allow for one honorific.  and i know that most other people won’t get the point of why i would use both “ms.” and “dr.”, and will probably still assume i’m a dude based on my name.  but fugg it.  i’m going to use my language in the best way to approximate who i am.  because that’s what language is for.

and so, i present to you:

ms. dr. joseph l. simonis

w00t!

—————–

notes:

*some folks who identify outside the gender binary use the gender neutral honorific mx [as in mx. justin vivian bond], but most people don’t even know such honorifics exist.

**in situations where the perceiver has a bias assuming that doctors are more likely to be one gender or the other, the honorific is not actually gender neutral.  so a truly gender-neutral honorific should give no indication of gender, accounting for perceiver bias.  and so it bears no information.  so, in many contexts, “dr.” is actually not a gender-neutral honorific, but a “male-leaning” honorific.

***i’ve had a number of these interactions, where people have still very much gendered me male, despite my name being written as “ms. joseph”.  either they thought it was a typo or didn’t notice. or were assholes, i guess.

it comes in two parts: my seminar and my “b exam”.  the exam part is closed-door and such.  it’s where my committee and i talk shop for ~3hrs.   BUT the seminar is open to the public!  and all are welcome to attend!  here’s the flier:

there will be science.

and snacks.

and funny pictures of joe as a child.

and we will be playing seminar bingo, which should be pretty awesome.  it is a lifelong dream of mine for someone to yell “BINGO” while i’m talking about science.  so please, help me fulfill that dream.  there will be prizes!

if you can’t make the seminar, but still want to watch… first of all, AWESOME!  second of all, i’ll be streaming the proceedings live at http://www.ustream.tv/channel/josephlsimonis.  it’s free and easy, you just have to watch a short commercial first.

if you’re a home viewer and would like to play along with seminar bingo, you have two options:

1. if you know how to run R: download the script here, run it, and make your own card! [p.s. i know it's not the most efficient way to code that, but my brain was occupied with other, more pressing things. like allometrically scaling the parameters of a roger's equation model].

2. if you don’t know how to run R: pick your favorite number between 1 and 200 and insert it in place of the bolded X in the following url: http://www.eeb.cornell.edu/simonis/bingo/BingoX and download a card.

there will be a special prize for the at-home players, so whoever e-mails me [josephlsimonis {{{at}}} gmail] first upon achieving bingo will be the lucky winner!

yay science!

– — – — – –

i’m not gonna get all sappy right now [that's for at the end of my talk!], but i did want to say thanks to everyone that’s helped at all with any part of my dissertation.  this was a lot of work, and i certainly didn’t do it by myself.  to everyone who supported me logistically, intellectually, emotionally, financially, or in any other relevant way, THANK YOU!!!

– — – — – –

starting tomorrow, i will resume talking about and engaging in other, non-dissertation-related things.

• showering
• looking at myself in the mirror
• brushing my teeth
• dressing myself
• snapping suspenders
• putting on a seat belt
• taking off a seat belt
• walking up stairs
• hugs
• dancing
• running down stairs
• more hugs
• being topless
• sexytimes
• snuggles
• running
• jumping rope
• stretching
• showering

these will be incorporated in my thesis defense seminar.  it will be awesome.  but i need your helps!

i like quotes.  lots of people like quotes.  i’ve compiled some awesome ones, but want more.  because before i start talking, i am going to have a slide show of awesome science quotes.

suggested quotes can be short:

“nature abhors an unfinished meal.”  -steve ellner

or long:

“considering both the unrealism of the models, and their sensitivity to changes, ecologists might best think of this literature as an interesting branch of recreational mathematics, which, by coincidence, has appropriated some language which also appears in biology.” -daniel goodman

and can cover the range of science stuff.

and we are going to play seminar bingo.  i am already compiling a list of both events “ngh reads from joe’s application materials in intro” and me-specific buzzwords “demographic stochasticity”.  [as an aside, my advisor claims that he and another eminent ecologist came up with buzzword bingo.]

i’ve written a script to generate bingo cards, ’cause i want everyone to play.  i’m also gonna post the script on-line for folks who want to play at home [and also cards for those who don't want to run an R script], as i am planning to set up a live stream of my seminar for folks who can’t come.

i think this is gonna be awesome, and i wanted to make this a collaborative effort, so send your suggestions!

please submit as a comment here or to josephlsimonis [at gmail {dot} com].

it’s a cathartic experience.

and it’s why i am glad i was just given a new godspeed you! black emperor album.  it. is. the. perfect. soundtrack. to. cutting. up. old. wrestling. t-shirts.

it’s also the perfect soundtrack to writing my thesis, working on my job talk, walking, driving, grading, you name it.  i love this band.  they are glorious.  and it’s fantastic to have new music from them.

effrim’s guitar sound is incredible. the bagpipes are amazing.  aidan girt is spot on with the percussion [seriously drummers, if you don't know him, you should], the samples, the everything.

i am joseph l. simonis, and i don’t come out anymore.

this it not at all to say that i have anything against people who do come out, or people who do celebrate national coming out day.  for many people, outwardly, verbally stating their queerness** is a very empowering and awesome thing.  and if that’s your bag, fantastic.  by all means, come out!  it’s just not for me.

not any more at least.

my rejection of coming out is steeped in my own narrative.  my personal sexuality and gender-associated history.  and for much of my history, i used to come out.  over the  28 years of my life, i have identified as at least 8 different queer identities [yet there are only 4 letters in lgbt... hmmm........], all of which i have come out as at least once.

8 identities is a lot.  and each one has been slightly nuanced and different enough to be better at explaining how i was feeling about myself contemporarily than the previous identity. but each one also required an event to happen .  a deal to be struck.  a conversation to explain.  a statement to be made.

this constant feeling like i have to explain myself, my current state of my sexuality and gender, has had a lot to do with how i’ve come to view  “coming out”.  regularly updating people on the specifics of my sexuality or gender identity…because i feel like i have to, because i feel like i owe them that courtesy…that’s incredibly draining.  in ways i can’t fully explain, but are incredibly pervasive.

imagine my feeling anxious about having to tell people that i, a guy***, was dating a woman for the first time ever.  because everyone assumed i just like guys.  because i had told them i was gay.  the fact that my telling people “i am now in a heterosexual relationship” was INCREDIBLY stressful speaks to a lot of things.  the fact that those stresses weren’t entirely misplaced [whole huge set of stories there, yeeps!] speaks volumes. there is immense absurdity in people getting mad at me for not informing them of my “new identity” before showing up somewhere with a girlfriend.  but it happened.  many, many times.

certainly not just an isolated incident with my dating women, this has happened with basically every “new identity” that i came out as: at least one person got mad at me for not telling them.  or–worse–didn’t believe me about my “new identity”.  someone has weaponized everyone one of my former identities against me, specifically associated with coming out [or not].  sometimes they were all-out fights, but often they were subtle, small microaggressions. like being told by a woman i’m about to hook up with “but you’re gay”.  why would i be hitting on you if i weren’t attracted to you?  yeah, that kinda shit actually happens.

and certainly my contemporary identities are often weaponized against me.  nothing like being told “you’ve got a lot to learn, hun” by a well-meaning coworker.  or being asked all the time “when are you going to change your name”.  people have a lot of expectations of who i am, given my identities.  and those folks interact with me as if they’re right about their expectations.  trouble is, they’re quite frequently wrong.

so, for me, the flip side of the empowerment associated with coming out as a queer identity is the weaponization of that identity against me.   it’s a friggen frustrating thing, having other people pigeonholing me into identity-based stereotypes.  or not allow me to reject past identities for a “new” one.  or for embracing “conflicting” identities.

and then, at some point not too long ago, i finally got frustrated enough with this whole thing and just stopped explicitly identifying as anything.  i stopped coming out.  i realized that it’s just not worth it to identify myself to other people anymore.  yes, i have [some] personal identities.  and i feel empowered to have them.  but i don’t feel it necessary to give other people those identities to use at their free will.  i’d rather just be me, and be treated as an individual person who knows what’s best for herself.

–

notes:

*back in the early spring, i talked about not coming out anymore in the context of telling my personal story for a peer educator panel [most folks' personal stories are coming out stories].  in that post, i outlined a few general points that are true in how i think about the process of coming out now, but some of my ideas were in “early sketch” draft forms, and have since been revised and refined.   more recently, i talked about my being out at work without coming out.  this was my reflection on trying to put some of those ideas into practice.

**by queerness, i really mean that generally…anything that would define an individual as queerly different than the sexuality or gender associated norm(s).    the so-called “gender and sexual minority”.

***when i refer to myself in the past, i use a gender identity that reflects the gender identity i had at the time.

Reblogged from Open Storage:

Pretty stoked for this...in about a week, some friends and I (who play in a loose collective called The Oresund Sound) will provide a live score to two episodes of the popular early 20th century silent film series Beatrice Fairfax. We ran through a couple of episodes last night at the museum, with lights low and a big projection on the wall.

Read more… 26 more words